


In Pain

by Puellainrotis



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crowley Has Chronic Pain (Good Omens), Crowley Has Feelings (Good Omens), Crowley has Trauma from the Fall (Good Omens), Gen, Inspired by a Queen Song, Self-Hatred, The Fall (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27777364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puellainrotis/pseuds/Puellainrotis
Summary: Lord, what you're doing to me?A fallen angel's pain, self-pity and self-hate.Somebody To Love inspired
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	In Pain

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [V bolesti](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26528809) by [Puellainrotis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puellainrotis/pseuds/Puellainrotis). 



> This is a translation of my own work and I hope there are no major language mistakes in this.

For the last few years, ever since the Fall, he got used to sleeping simply because he didn’t like to be awake. He got used to using sleep as a way of running away from his problems, his pain, from God, Satan and even from his own self. He got used to using sleep as a way of running away from the entire world. He may not need sleeping for regaining energy but he desperately needed the escape it provided

**_Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little._ **

Falling hurts. Sauntering vaguely downwards hurts just as much. Even living after the Fall hurts. The pain of a crushed soul mixes with the pain of mutilated body and creates pain which reminds him of his fate in every single second of his existence. It’s an insistent pain that feels like fire is consuming him, and it never leaves. Truly ironic that being a fallen angel, a demon, a creature from Hell feels that way, like a burning flame one can’t put out no matter what they do.

**Can barely stand on my feet.**

It was pure intolerable some days. He moaned with the pain that was quickly emerging from his sleep-foggy mind. He gulped loudly and fisted his hands as another wave of suffering washed over him. The mornings were the worst.

He forced his eyes open. Slitted snake pupils stared upwards. That’s where it all began. That’s where She was. And it’s not that long ago since Crawly was there as well, although he went by a different name back then. But that was all gone. Now, he was on Earth and hurting. Hurting so bad!

He used all his willpower to sit up and another pained grunt slipped from between his parted lips. Today was a really bad day. He gritted his teeth and one of many self-hating thoughts of that day materialised in his consciousness as he attempted to stand up.

He felt dizzy. He cussed.

He hated Her. And he hated himself more than he ever hated Her. He hated the body She gave him, in which she sent him to Earth, which she cursed with all this pain.

**Take a look in the mirror and cry.**

He caught his own reflection on the water sometimes and then he felt like screaming, crying or both until the lent body would disappear. As far as he remembered, he used to like the way he looked when he was an angel. Then when he became the serpent of Eden, he soon accepted the snake as his true form – he became the snake.

But now? This body was strange and didn’t fit, like a shoe way too big. It felt fake. He was a serpent trapped in a human body, aching and so very uncomfortable! Everything that happened before the Fall was unclear, he didn’t remember much and the concept of how a human-shaped body works became so foreign and distant... He wasn’t sure what to do with his new body, a bizarre and broken caricature of what he once used to be, and he felt so much pain in it. He hated the long and lanky limbs and the spine that held him upright. Taking steps felt so unnatural...

**Lord, what you're doing to me?**

He didn’t mean to Fall. He just hung out with the wrong people. Asked too many questions. He had questions because he wanted to know. To understand. That was the reason he tempted Eve into taking a bite of that apple. Knowledge is important. But She disagreed. She punished him. The Almighty made him Fall.

**I have spent all my years in believing you.**

He was created as Her angel. He liked it in Heaven, enjoyed being there. He enjoyed creating all those stars and planets, enjoyed creating things for the humans to admire in the same way a loving mother enjoyed picking out the right toys for her baby. He never wanted to be a demon, never wanted to get in trouble, he was just against blindly doing as told without understanding why.

**But I just can't get no relief, Lord!**

Asking questions was enough to Fall. A few questions had the power to destroy him, to crush him. He'd maybe rather stay silent forever if he knew what will happen.

Is the pain ever going to fade? Is he going to get used to it? Is he ever going to stop wanting to do good deeds? Is he going to become the same disgusting creature as most of the of the older demons? He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to be evil. He didn’t want to be a disgusting creature full of maggots.

Another flush of flames went through his body. It felt like there were wings made of wild flames growing where the once snow-white and recently turned charcoal-black were. He hissed, the sound more snake-like than human, and his knees went weak.

**I get down on my knees.**

He couldn’t manage to get up, not now and maybe not ever again, he thought. He kneeled on the dirty ground, unable to supress the humiliated feeling as the anger he felt was bubbling inside him, almost stronger than the pain.

He lost everything. He will not wander in the Garden ever again. He will never create more stars. He will never do any more good deeds or blessings. He will never stop feeling emptiness and pain. He will never be an angel ever again.

**And I start to pray.**

He was so tired, so hopeless, so hurt. He let his head fall to the ground as well and his long red hair covered his face.

Is there anything that could make Her change Her mind? That could prove that he didn’t want to betray Her? That he doesn’t belong in Hell? He started talking to Her with his inner voice, explaining, begging, saying that he was sorry.

He knew that there was no point. That She doesn’t change Her mind. He had nothing to convince Her. Nobody could make God change Her mind. She’s the Almighty. She can do anything. She can make one Fall when they ask too many questions. And one can’t make Her take them back by promising they won’t ask any more.

They need to accept that she won’t ever welcome them again.

He felt tears flowing from his eyes. They were tears of regret, pain, hate an humiliation. He couldn’t bring himself to raise his strange limb and wipe the drops away. He let them run down his cheeks.

**'Til the tears run down from my eyes.**


End file.
